“And that’s all I am to you? A distraction?”

[mugenmine]

Stuck
Draft 4
Chapter 5 @  ?/17,827

So my draft has lost about 2K words over the last two months. This is at least something. I've never had a fic so completely kick my ass before. It feels like I'm treading water at the moment, inching forward with tiny edits, and I'm still not convinced that it's good. A while ago, I finished(ish) my third draft and sent it off to my beta and then we both decided, yeah, this needs work. So I mapped out the chapters and sections where I needed to clarify and simplify intent and stretch emotional arcs that felt rushed and cut internal moments that went on for far too long and what about that non ending?  Well, that's a lot of stuff.

I kind of feel like it's a battle of wills me and this story., Early on, I wondered if I would be able to salvage this story at all. It was really that bad in my opinion. I did another draft and beat it into some semblance of shape and felt hopeful, and then came this new round of rewrites. I kind of felt bad for my beta because I think I put my head down on the table in the restaurant while she was talking to me  at one point.  "I'm okay," I might have said. "Really this is just me processing..." Then this kind of panic set in when suddenly you realize that after you finished pushing that rock up the hill only to reach the top and see that you have 18 more hills in front of you.

I think if I had like a few days to just sit and write I could blast through this and feel right sided again, but work and life and family stuff and job hunting has been eating away at all of my me time so this story drags on.  Like seriously, I'm taking a break at midnight on a Saturday from working on a horrid presentation I have to give to three executive teams at work to do some sanity blogging. (*shakes fist at work*) (dusts off LJ) I mean why can't I have a job napping and walking and writing porn all day?  Seriously? Actually that might take the fun out or writing porn if I had to do it for a living.

So yes, the progress is such. I am about 65% finished with expanding my penultimate chapter where things are said and angst and feels happen and then I have to edit through my monster porn final chapter to make everything fit with the scores of changes I made before.. and I have to write a proper ending. Then I have to make it all good. I am going to assume that it's good, and polish the crap out of it until it's fit to send off to betas again.

This fic has changed intent so much and I have effectively thrown such a big wrench in my series that I have to put the next three the stories I had planned oh hold  until I sort out the mess I made in this story. So for the first time in awhile, after I finish this fic I have no idea what will happen next. (Well I do have a one-shot, but that doesn't effect the timeline, so I'm not counting that.) All other story arc stories are now up in the air. Which is actually kind of refreshing and terrifying.

Comments

[tenderly-wicked.livejournal.com]

I mean why can't I have a job napping and walking and writing porn all day?

I have the same thoughts sometimes :) I do write for a living, and it's still fun. Though it's mostly articles, not fiction, I guess it could work with porn too ;)

[mugenmine.livejournal.com]

That's very cool :-) Yes, I used to write articles and content for work a few years back, but I wasn't writing fiction at the time. I do know quite a few fiction writers who are non fiction writers in their day job. I wonder if I could do it :-)

[chasingriver.livejournal.com]

I had to smile at your "this is just me processing" story. I have been feeling a bit like that with mine. I have been desperately trying to get it done before I go, but I'm not sure it's going to happen. Editing it seems to be too huge of a task, and the writing isn't done yet. We'll see. It sounds like you're standing up to it well though, despite work and everything else! Good job.

[mugenmine.livejournal.com]

Editing IS a too huge of a task. You really need focus and concentration to really make progress. Will you have some writing time in London? That at the very least will be inspirational :-) The PAUL coffee shop on Baker Street is one of my favorite places, a good writing hang out :-)

[chasingriver.livejournal.com]

Good to know about the coffee shop, thanks! :)

I won't have a lot of time. I have four weekdays (daytime) "to myself", and I need to prioritise what I'm doing. Some of that time might be spent writing (probably in parks), but probably character studies of people and not on the story. As you said, I will need the focus and I don't have the time to do that and also see places. I might get some writing done in the evening if I'm not out and about. It would be a different story if I were going alone, but I'm not.

I am cringing over the latest gywo entry about betas, because I know I should beta this and work with someone on it, but I'm not. It's huge. If I start that now I'll be here til Christmas. (Perhaps that would be better? I don't know.) Definitely a dilemma. I want it to be good, but I also want it to be published before the end of time. I have other fic to work on as well.

Just rambling, really. I'll check out the coffee place!

[mugenmine.livejournal.com]

So are you posting as you go or writing it all and then will start posting when you're done? I suppose if the former, or latter you could just have someone beta a chapter at time and post after feedback if you wanted. I always wondered how that would work. I've never written anything that big before! :-D

You don't necessarily need one though! It should just be whatever works best for you :-D